Words of an old friend, My heart breaks

"don't be afraid of seeking Him in rolling hills or restless wind or capturing Him in the most obvious place...your heart"
-A.N.


Miss you.

alcohol

so today i sat in a car, and listened to 2 people talk about drinking and alcohol. it broke my heart. It's like they're talking about alcohol like it defines them. The kind/brand they drink matters, it gives them worth. And If they dont drink the right stuff theyre not accepted. You think you'll fit in if you just drink, but it never just stops there. There's always something more the world wants you to conform too.

its not worth it

Late night lament

I'm not worthy of who I'm waiting for
Your looking at me and shaking your head
My flesh fails
Why do You love me
Why do You care
I reach for something that was never there
I settle and and feel worthless because of my sin
Tears run down my face because the place I find myself in
I love You, I do
I want to love someone else too
Give me the strength for this wait
I don't want to feel anymore of this weight
Save me OH GOD save me please
Forgive this wretched women of me
I don't want to look anywhere but above
I mess up, sin and replace my first love
Your blood runs down
So do my tears
Soon I can't tell the difference
Thankyou Thankyou for the way that you died
The result of a lie, bleeding slow
I'm here below
On the ground in the dirt
Reaching toward Your feet
Out of the game I don't want to compete
With the world and it's images, standards and pleasures
It's fickle and folly when compared to Your measure
I don't deserve to be here
I'm dirty water
That's what I have to offer
To a God that's thirsty for who He made me
If I drank myself I think I'd be sick
But you swallow me whole and let me live

12/8/11

I'm just an insecure girl inside of Gods world. Take me away from the confidence HE gives me, the beauty HE shows through me, and the worth HIS death proved to me, and I'd fall apart.

love

So i was in the process of helping out a friend when i came to an awesome realization.
i think back on my time in high school as a christian, and i look at the commitments i made to God.
one of them was to not date or get in a relationship until college.
recently i was challenged to look back on that time, and i remember how insecure and worthless i felt or sometimes still feel when there is no guy interested in me.
but heres where God revealed Himself last night..
God knew my heart, He knew my goals, and He knew my commitment to HIM.
when there was no guy trying to get in the way and change that, it showed that God was actually respecting and protecting my heart.
so this has changed EVERYTHING about the way i view things now.
my God loves me, and He isnt trying to rob me of love, He is protecting my heart so that it can love.
THANKYOU JESUS.

Just came across this again...haha

Gentlemen, there are wonderful Christian girls waiting for you to act, well, like a man. Stop waiting for romantic lightning to strike. stop waiting for the umpteenth green light. Stop "hanging out" every night without ever making your intentions clear. Go ask a girl on a date, or ask her "to court". or whatever you think is the appropriate language. But do something. If you want to be single, that's great. Jesus was single. I hear it can be a pretty good gig. But if you want to get married, do something about it. take a chance. risk rejection. be the relational and spiritual leader God has called you to be.
-Just Do Something

Late night thoughts

There is nothing more attractive than a man who
Knows what he wants
Waits for what he wants
Then pursues what he wants when he finds it

December 5th 2011

You are in the quiet of a storm
You are in the noise of a peaceful brook
You are not what we expect
You are a whisper
You are a roar
But we cannot hear you if we do not intentionally listen

Ezra 9:5-15

Then, at the evening sacrifice, I rose from my self-abasement, with my tunic and cloak torn, and fell on my knees with my hands spread out to the LORD my God and prayed:

“I am too ashamed and disgraced, my God, to lift up my face to you, because our sins are higher than our heads and our guilt has reached to the heavens. From the days of our ancestors until now, our guilt has been great. Because of our sins, we and our kings and our priests have been subjected to the sword and captivity, to pillage and humiliation at the hand of foreign kings, as it is today.

“But now, for a brief moment, the LORD our God has been gracious in leaving us a remnant and giving us a firm place in his sanctuary, and so our God gives light to our eyes and a little relief in our bondage. Though we are slaves, our God has not forsaken us in our bondage. He has shown us kindness in the sight of the kings of Persia: He has granted us new life to rebuild the house of our God and repair its ruins, and he has given us a wall of protection in Judah and Jerusalem.

“But now, our God, what can we say after this? For we have forsaken the commands you gave through your servants the prophets when you said: ‘The land you are entering to possess is a land polluted by the corruption of its peoples. By their detestable practices they have filled it with their impurity from one end to the other. Therefore, do not give your daughters in marriage to their sons or take their daughters for your sons. Do not seek a treaty of friendship with them at any time, that you may be strong and eat the good things of the land and leave it to your children as an everlasting inheritance.’

“What has happened to us is a result of our evil deeds and our great guilt, and yet, our God, you have punished us less than our sins deserved and have given us a remnant like this. Shall we then break your commands again and intermarry with the peoples who commit such detestable practices? Would you not be angry enough with us to destroy us, leaving us no remnant or survivor? LORD, the God of Israel, you are righteous! We are left this day as a remnant. Here we are before you in our guilt, though because of it not one of us can stand in your presence.”

12/1/11

i will wait for you.

leafs are magnificent

so today i was at a family friends house, and get this! her husband writes on leafs and then gives them to her. she even has some framed, and it was so cool. wow i get so joyful even thinking about it! so beautiful.
hint hint to that future man in my life. :)

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
period.

11/19/11

so today i found this leaf that is about 3x the size of my head. i absolutely love this leaf. God seriously has been blowing my mind lately at all of the things He has made. i mean, look at this leaf! and i just found it on the ground, it just... fell out of a tree... i WISH i could of seen the tree this leaf came out of, i mean, a whole tree of GIANT leafs!! wow.

Lets go on a walk, one where we escape time and have no reason to rush. just you, and me, and the many different views of God.
i will wait for you...

God is so present in so many of the little things we see all the time. HE is so beautiful.
im always curious at the different ways we all see God.. so i wonder, what do you see that takes your breath away? that is so beautiful the only way to describe it as something only God could have made. becuase HE made it for you. doesn't that just make you want to praise HIM.

those living far away fear your wonders; where morning dawns and evening fades you call forth songs of joy. psalm 65:8

Unite October 24 2011

-There's something about holding your palms up, that causes a vulnerability in my heart and soul.

Risen King Church
"HE has put a life i our reach that is centered on JESUS Christ."
"When you rise up from that voice that knows YOUR name, you will hold your head high because you are HIS daughter."
"Find a way to do something with the way God has made you"
"It will radically change the way you learn in the classroom when your feet are in the trenches of service."

October 23, 2011

i just need to let it go
out of my mind, out of my heart
into the air, somewhere far
if it returns I'll throw it right back
I'll only accept it when it comes from YOUR hand.

Unite

this is a place that has become apart of my heart. i allow God to throw me so far out of my comfort zone, i worship God with all that i am, and i take the knowledge of those around me and let God change my heart and motivate me for action. this is my new home. its awesome when you find a place your comfortable being uncomfortable in.

Poem 10/22/11 (first one in a long time)

I'm so fed up with who i see
this person, these thoughts they are not me
yet who i am let them into my mind
slowly they changed my heart and my eyes
i stand here now ashamed and strayed
i just want to become the girl YOU made
these thoughts and this focus only adds to flesh
let me find meaning before i lose the rest
the rest of me, the girl with YOUR heart
the rest i find, only in YOUR arms
loneliness is bitter but YOU are sweet
i will never get up from my knees
here i will stay with one thing in mind
the hope that YOUR presence will someday be mine
not looking around waiting to see
but being okay with it just being me
God YOU are worth all of my love
please open my eyes to what YOU'VE put in my cup
i am unworthy yet always loved
i know this by the death of YOUR Son
no other man can define my worth
forever and always i will do YOUR work

so in chapel Travis talked about how God gives each of us what we need for each day, and how when we take our eyes off of what we have, and look at others, we become discontent.
ive been doing this way too much lately. and theres lots of influences and reasons why, but its all on me, im responsible for how i react to what is given to me. im so sick and tired of feeling like this. because HE knows what i need to serve HIM for the day, why would i question it, or want more, or even less? idk i just cant stop thinking about it. there's no way i can do this without God. but theres also no way id ever want to do this without God. so win win. so to those readers, look at what Gods given you, and DO SOMETHING with it. and its okay to look at what HE's given others too, only if your looking to encourage them toward fruitfulness, if not, don't force dissatisfaction on yourself. you have a reason to be joyful. God put something inside you that connects with something HE's given you today, don't let anything ruin that. its not worth it. your eyes wander easily, but it takes training to keep them on JESUS. i'm refreshing my heart and my mind, and re-training my eyes. and its already exciting me.

Joyfully Accepting Confiscation

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/anthem/id471564482

hey! if you havent heard my message or wanna hear any of the other messages being thrown down at ANTHEM, check out our podcast! this link will take you to it but its on itunes!
get fed!

ANTHEM message 10/14

Hebrews 10:32-36

New International Version (NIV)

³² Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. ³³ Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. ³⁴ You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. ³⁵ So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

³⁶ You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

theres a time in your relationship with JESUS where you stop and realize how beautiful it really is to be seen as a christian, and when that happens, let it motivate you to never stop becoming more and more like HIM.

Unite 10/10/11

wow. just another reminder of how much i dont deserve what God gives me.
it was kind of a hard night, but HE was in that place. and HE spoke to me, when i didnt deserve it.

Send out YOUR light and YOUR truth;
let them lead me;
let them bring me to YOUR holy hill
and to YOUR dwelling!
then i will go to the alter of God,
to God my exceeding joy,
and i will praise YOU with the lyre,
O GOD, my GOD,
why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
hope in God, for i shall again praise HIM
my salvation and my GOD.
Psalm 43:3-5

"God did not create us to be comfortable
and God has better things to do than make us comfortable"

YOU are the love i need

there's no place id rather be than here in YOUR love
set a fire down on my soul
that i cant contain
that i cant control
i want more of YOU GOD

another one of my passions.

"a photograph is a portrait painted by the sun"

"she glances at the photo, and the pilot light of memory flickers in her eyes"

"it is one thing to photograph people. it is another to make others care about them by revealing the core of their humanness."

"Sometimes I do get to places just when God's ready to have somebody click the shutter."

"My portraits are more about me than they are about the people I photograph."

"I didn't want to tell the tree or weed what it was. I wanted it to tell me something and through me express its meaning in nature."

The strongest type of love is the kind where

one heart striving to be like JESUS meets another
when 2 people have the same God,
they have the same heart
they have HIS heart

"fire doesn't die because it wants to"

This quote was said at Unite.. and it really got me thinking about the importance of obedience. and how when you are obedient its enough to keep you going. you might not be feeling God, but your fire doesn't go out because of something as human as a feeling. so when you cant feel God, don't give up, the fire inside you can still build as long as you feed it. and when the feeling or desire comes back, it'll be that much more overwhelming. maybe you need to be refined, and the bigger fire you build, the more you become like JESUS through it.

keep doing work.

i think all christian men should read the 9th chapter of Just Do Something.

Restore us, O LORD God of hosts!
let YOUR face shine, that we may be
saved!

nothing's gonna take Your praise out of my mouth
As long as I shall live,
As long as I shall live,
'Cause He's a great God.
He's a great God.

You are my love and all of my life
You are the love i need

remind my soul i am YOURS
i am forever YOURS

open my eyes to see all that you made me
-reveal

i found beauty in Haiti. through the people, through the church, and through creation. theres so much around you that can hinder you or blind you, but when you open your eyes to the hope that lives in these people. that is when you open your heart to the beauty God is trying to show you. the kind of beauty that moves you to serve.

spider man. i dont know his real name, but thats what i called him. he always wore a spider man hat, and one day he even wore a shirt. he was always around us. he helped us work, he was always there. i miss this little guy.

I Miss Haiti

this kid. man he was so cool. what he has is a butterfly tied to a string. i dont know how he did it, but he was just throwing it up in the air, letting it fly, then catching it again. it amazed me.

reflection on UNITE 9/26/11

wow. so i had this thing called unite. and i got to learn what it really is, and this fired me up. but what the most exciting part is, is that this idea was put into action by guys like me. they thought of it and have spent so much time getting a hold of pastors and planning it all out, praying for it. and it is so awesome to see how excited they were to actually be starting it. i got to pray with 2 people. i got to see students lead worship. speak with, pray, move, with God and serve. i have the same heart as these leaders. and even though i am a part of Unite, i want to become a bigger part. i miss the leadership ANTHEM needed from me. I'm ready.

Quotes from the night:
disagreement does not equal disunity
God has created unity, we are just going to celebrate it
being who we are here when we leave here
-Kyle Power

there is no designated time for prayer
-Matt Roberts

John 17:20-23
My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one—I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

let loose the passions inside you
-Travis Osborne

i will wait for you

my heart

http://youtu.be/igCj3jsbcqs

September 25 2011

man the body of Christ is so cool. its like its so easy for one christian to encourage another, so why dont we do it more often. i think we underestimate the power of Joy, or just the level of relating we get from eachother. us as a body would be alot more alive and thriving, ready to do work if we just broke away from our insecurities, selfishness and comforts and encouraged eachother.

a translation of Shakespeare.

Poor soul, right at the centre of your sinful body, slave to its rebellious worldliness, ever attacking you. Why do you dwindle away inside, suffering starvation, while decorating your outside walls with such expensive paint? Why such expenditure when the lease on your crumbling mansion is so short? Are you doing it so that worms can inherit this excess and eat up what you've spent? Is that the purpose of your body? Instead, live on by starving your body and let it dwindle away while you enrich yourself. Gain spiritual wealth by discarding worthless worldly things. Feed the inner self and allow your body to be poor. In that way you'll eat up death, that feeds on men, and once death is dead there will be no more dying.

Timothy Keller 'the girl nobody wanted'

"until we look to HIM, we can never deal with all the imperfection around us."

"i wont add anything to JESUS Christ as a requirement to be happy"

"the only eyes that count are ravished by you, thats the only comfort that cant be quenched."

"God works with very weak people"

God is ALWAYS good

I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. (Psalm 57:2 ESV)

6/26/10

its so sad that there are so many little beauties in the world that noone will notice

how do you make being a christian look so easy?

oh man, it is so far from easy. idk where to start. theres times when the situation is easy, but IT is always hard. and it will always be hard when i think it has anything to do with me.. but when i remember that it is all for God, and think about what HE expects and promises me, thats when it feels... not easy, but worth it. i can see how it looks easy, thats probably becuase its hard to feel what someone else does.. the closer i get to JESUS the more my heart beats like HIS.. the more it hurts to do ministry but the more necessary it becomes. it also becomes harder to hide your sin.. which results in the act of giving it up becuase now that you have God inside you, you become this person that wants evil but knows whats right. when you let the Holy Spirit control you, people see God in you more, but it is no where near easy.

communion 2/18/11

i dont, ever did, deserve this, i dont want to swollow that bread or drink that wine, becuase i am so wretched, and it is so hard to think that you did what you did for me... No, that is a burden to bear, it is love...love... wow i dont deserve any kind of it, but i know what you have done is TRUTH, and why would i let me, the person that caused this mess, to get in the way of accepting it...

this gave me new life, new heart, new pain.

2/18/11

what can is say

what can i do

but offer this heart oh God

completely to you

this heart that is...

yet this heart is what you want from me

and all i can think of is how GOOD you are

becasue when its up to YOU

my heart isnt any of the things I make it

its a part of YOU